A word of caution for those of you who are divorcing: don’t be short-sighted, look at the big picture. Do not take a position that will foreclose your ability to enjoy a lasting relationship with your children; it may cost you the opportunity to share in the lives of your grandchildren. This probably sounds silly at a time when you have bigger fish to fry, but that is only because you have no idea of the significant void you create for yourself and your grandchildren. You don’t miss what you never had. Unfortunately, by the time you do, it’s too late to turn back the clock and recapture the experiences that enrich your life.
What are we talking about? How does this affect my life? Make it real. Is this worth the effort? The factual narrative that follows will illustrate the enormity of the challenge facing you if you want to enjoy a meaningful relationship with your grandchildren. It will also give you a snapshot of all the wonderful experiences you can enjoy with them if you are successful but never experience if you fail.
Keep Your Children Close
I am in my early eighties and I divorced the mother of my children roughly forty years ago. She received custody of our three daughters who were then 13, 12, and 10 years of age. The children were not encouraged to maintain a free and spontaneous relationship with me, and visitations were more of a hassle than they were worth. It was almost as though the visitation was payment for the support I provided for them; effectively, they were making car payments and you know how much fun that can be.
I paid for their schooling and weddings. In none of the weddings was I asked to participate: I was welcome to come, but I was to come alone (I had remarried and my wife was not to be present). I have eight biological grandchildren, but I was never a part of their lives: no birthday parties, school events, holidays, Father’s day festivities, or the like. There has been no interaction with my children for over twenty years save for a chance meeting at funerals, weddings, anniversaries, and the like.
While attending the funeral of an old family friend several years ago, I saw my oldest daughter there with someone later introduced to me as her son. I was greeted as “Mr. Principe” and thereafter I was “Sir”. If he had referred to me as “grand pop” it would have been a lie. I addressed him by his first name. We both struggled to find something to say to each other. It never dawned on me that I missed anything of value by not being a part of his life as he grew up or that our relationship with each other might have been warm and fulfilling had we spent time together as “grand pop” and Andy.
What alarms me is that but for the relationship I now enjoy with my newest grandson (who is not a biological grandson), I never would have known how important it is to have a close relationship with grandchildren or what a joy it is to have them as part of your life. It is clearly a plus for me, but I also believe it creates a positive supporting environment for the grandchild to have a loving, caring and ever-present extended family.
Is it Worth the Struggle?
How do you avoid creating this vacuum in your life? There is no way you can compel your children to make you a part of their lives. The only viable way to achieve the desired results is to maintain a relationship with your children no matter how many hurdles you have to overcome or offensive attitudes you must endure. Accept the fact that the odds are stacked against you because they feel that being gracious to you is in effect a betrayal of their mother. But if you firmly believe that your children stand to benefit from having you in their lives, then that is all the more justification for the effort. There is always the chance that they will ultimately agree that you should be there as well.
You have to accept the fact that you are no longer at war with their mother and the objective is no longer to win; that battle is over. Nor should pride be an issue and whatever fault is yours, own it. The children were tough with me, but I should have been tougher and clever enough to ignore their diffidence and be there despite their abrasive attitude. The fact that I did not and do not have a relationship with my children is completely my fault; I didn’t think there was any point to it and I gave up. I was not forewarned. Now you are.
The Joy of Grandpa
Is it emotionally rewarding and a fun experience? Does it serve a purpose? Will it help the grandchild to know that he has the love, attention and support of his grandparents? The answer is affirmative. The reward for the grandparent is that he can enjoy the unique experience of being “pop pop”, “grandpa”, “mom mom”, or whatever else they choose to call you. If you’re lucky, you will be given full baby privileges: you can feed him, bathe him, change his diapers, and take him for a walk in his stroller. When he hugs you or falls asleep on your chest or rubs your face with his hands, you get this urge to squeeze him, to bite him, you are completely at peace. I have never experienced a greater joy than to see my grandson Alex run towards me with his arms outstretched as I come in the house. The bottom line is that your grandchildren give you a purpose and meaning to life. My biggest fear today is that I won’t be here to see Alex or Clara graduate high school much less see them marry. You have no excuse, you have been warned.
Roberto Principe - Princeton ’52, Columbia University School of Law ’55, admitted to practice of Law in October 1956, withdrew from the practice ...
