With the birth of your first grandchild, your life has a new dimension filled with joy, excitement, love, and dazzling pride. Before his or her birth, your only prayer is that the baby is born healthy and that mother survives the ordeal with no extraordinary distress. Your next concern is that he is able to take nourishment from his mother if she is nursing him, or if his sustenance is primarily based on formula, he receives the necessary nourishment in that way. You want to be there day and night. You want to be involved in every aspect of his life from feeding to diapering to bathing to putting him to bed.
Can Mother and Grandparents Coexist?
Now it starts to get a little tense if not confrontational. The grandma had children therefore she is an authority on child rearing. That being the case, grandma has the right, if not the obligation, to advise the new mother whenever she feels her daughter-in-law is remiss in caring for her grandchild – the key words being her grandchild – when in fact, she is caring for her child. It really makes no difference if the new mother is her daughter rather than daughter-in-law except for the fact that a daughter can rebel more openly and freely with her own mother; the daughter-in-law will be more reticent in her protestations for fear of offending her mother-in-law. Inevitably, the mother is in a no-win situation and must sweat it out until the parent leaves. Why is it that the grandparents simply can’t back off? Why do they have to be so aggressive? Why not just sit back and enjoy your grandchild?
If we include the great grandmother into the equation, we then have an absolute authority on how to raise babies since she raised three of her own sixty-five years ago. The mother does not want to anger either her mother-in-law or her husband’s grandmother (mom mom), but there comes a point when she cannot conceal her annoyance at the officious manner in which they offer help when help is not needed or requested. The grandparents will be the first to acknowledge that the grandchild is well cared for in every way and is looking good, but they pick up on trivia as an excuse to intervene and offer advice i.e. “you’re feeding him too fast,” ”the formula is not warm enough,” “he is in a draft,” etc. It is abundantly clear that the grandparents must be actively involved in the rearing of this baby in some small but significant way; it is a foregone conclusion that the mother cannot do it alone.
Despite those irritations, the grandparents and the child’s mother develop a mechanism whereby they can tolerate each other with a minimum of discomfort; after all, we want a happy child who can enjoy all the benefits flowing from the love of an extended family. The concept here is one of accommodation.
Now that we have established a level of tolerance between the adults, everyone can enjoy more fully the pleasure of simply being with the newest addition to the family. When he smiles, we love it. When he gurgles, we love it. When he has his diaper changed, we love it. Yes, even when he sleeps, we love it. With everyone peering at him and making ridiculous sounds in an effort to mimic his sounds, it’s a wonder he doesn’t become irritated and start crying and or spitting up his food. The grandparents’ defense is “we just love him so much we can’t help it.”
If we were to stand back a little and reflect on all the things that could happen in a grandchild-grandparent relationship, we would quickly realize why we should enjoy the moment fully and without limitation. Remember every sound, every movement, every smile, every tear, and his colorful clothing, toys, and the soap suds in his hair while he is being given his bath. All of this should be indelibly registered in our memory bank; this may be all we have as his life goes on.
Divorce and Custody
Why this ominous note? What are we talking about? What is the concern? First of all, practically fifty percent of all marriages end up in divorce. Most of the marriages include children in the make-up of the family. One of the parents is inevitably selected as the primary residential custodial parent and the other parent is given visitation rights. There was a reason why the marriage did not work out. Husband’s parents can’t conceal their feeling that fault is to be found at wife’s doorstep. On the other hand, wife’s parents can’t conceal their feeling that husband was a tad insensitive and unsupportive of their daughter during this troublesome marriage relationship.
Are you beginning to see a problem? Normally, the mother is that custodial parent and the father has visitation. How warm and cuddly do you think those visitations are after mother has programmed the children about their loving father? That being said, how much love, affection and consideration will there be for husband’s parents? How likely is it that the grandparents will have meaningful visits with the grandchildren, if any?
True, in some states there are statutes calling for grandparent visitations but they can’t require the children to be loving, respectful or even courteous to their grandparents. The children are made to feel as though they are betraying their mother if they show affection for their father or his parents; and remember, after the visit is over, the children go home to their mother who is the primary custodial parent ready to feed them, kiss them good-night and put them to bed. She wins, but at what cost? The grandchildren who will never know and appreciate a relationship with their aunts, uncles, nephews and grandparents lose as well. There are exceptions; some divorced parents can put aside their hurt and permit the children to enjoy their extended family. It simply is not the rule. This is the scenario now facing the grandparent; what is there for them? Those babies they literally adored and worshiped more than life itself are no longer there for them. What happened? What now?
Despair
There is yet another situation that develops gradually and almost unnoticed; as the children grow older they demand to receive, forthwith, that which would be gifted to them by their grandparents. In other words, their grandparents’ raison d’etre is to provide them with what they want, when they want it, rather than what their grandparents want to give them whenever they decide to do so. Where are those lovely babies that we doted over, those babies that gurgled our names?
Unfortunately, there is more. Those young men and women who leave the straight and narrow for a life of liquor and drugs that leads them to physically abuse, if not kill, those that loved them the most, are in some cases the very same grandchildren that were loved unconditionally. What is surprising is that even those dastardly deeds are not enough to snuff out the burning love a grandparent has for his grandchild; it’s almost as though they are given a pass.
Hope
As grandparents you are helpless. You don’t control the game, you are interested spectators. Cherish every moment you are with them as they grow from infancy through adolescence to adulthood. Be grateful you have them when you do, don’t expect too much, accept this time with them as the beginning and the end. There is always the hope that your love, coupled with the unselfish guidance of their parents, will be what it takes to get the grandchildren to the point where you can leave in peace knowing your legacy is healthy and strong.
Roberto Principe - Princeton ’52, Columbia University School of Law ’55, admitted to practice of Law in October 1956, withdrew from the practice ...
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